Pokemon Go

Here’s my first Game App Review. And none other then a instant classic before we hit the digital 20’s.

pokemon-goI love Pokemon Go! It’s in concept one of the best games. But what the fuck is Niantic doing??? Niantic, let’s lay down the ground work. We’ve known about this game in concept for years. There was a Beta version. Why are you fucking up the worlds favorite video game??? As much as I enjoy the game, here’s a few complaints which at first we’re not a big deal, then slowly realizing De-Nyle is not just a river in Egypt.

First things first, at work as soon as it launched I was bragging to other grown children about this game. The first words out of people’s mouth were, “OMG, that’s a children’s game! Grow up! Are you a pedophile?”

Let’s tackle each statement, shall we. While walking around with my pose. I hear people from the distance say, “Uh, are you playing Pokemon Go? That’s a kids game! Grow up!” Meanwhile in my head, I’m personally trying not to bash an electric guitar into their skulls. Because of all the people to throw stones at glass houses are other grown man-boys acting like their more mature than other man-boys. This isn’t middle school mother fucker, but it may as well be. While I break this down barnie style let us not forget those who played Candy Crush, and Flappy Bird. Let alone the grown children of the world on SnapChat making their faces look like puppies. Then posting it all over social media. Why hasn’t anyone pointed this out? For those who’ve asked and or told me to grow up; it’s kinda like being told to man the fuck up by Caitlyn Jenner.

Complaint number two is about the players. Sure while it’s fun to meet other grown man-boys and girls. There’s two demographics whom really piss me off. Group one are those who drive while playing. While it’s efficient theoretically. Literally, it’s the worst idea in the world! And how Niantic dodged law suits from releasing this game in America, I have no clue. However, while people are operating a mobile death machine (also known as a car) there’s no reason why you can’t keep two hands on the wheel, and both eyes on the road. Then again it is Darwinism to its finest, go team retards! Meanwhile, there are people who take this game way too seriously. I’m talking about Asian man-boy who’s got a level 5,000 Jigglypuff hanging over the Blue Gym and is taunting other players to beat his Pokemon’s ass. I see, sir you have an impressive Jigglypuff. However, in the grand scheme of things. I really don’t give a fuck.

3-Step Bug, OMG!!!! While I was writing thoughts down. I realized there’s really no good way to bring this up because Niantic fucked it away as per usual. The Three Step was a feature indicating what Pokemon were available and near you. As you move closer to the Pokemon, the Three Step becomes Two and then One. 99.5% of these Three Step Pokemon were never around. Then to fix the bug, they took the emblem away. As if to say, “We’ll show you what is near by, but fuck me if I can give you any directional guidance.” It’s like playing Marco-Polo without Polo answering back. Fix your shit Niantic.

imgresGotta Catch ’em All. Also known as the 5% of Pokemon in the whole original 151, is cut down to a bird, a rat, and a bug. And their evolutions. Meanwhile at the park there’s Elephants galore. What’s more troublesome as I contemplate over the vast amount of people whom play. Those who live in rural areas, out in the boonies. Good luck with finding anything. Meanwhile those in the cities are gifted with the other 95% of the game characters. Talk about segregation of the haves and have-nots Niantic. If fairs, fair and clearly this Marco-Polo game is in your favor, than why exploit the plite of children, and man-kids by where they live? You sick fucks. A metaphore of Pokemon Go is like buying a bag of Skittles and having nothing but Orange flavored candy. “Where are all the good ones?!?!” Meanwhile, for those really hurting in life, if you don’t live in the city and want Pokemon, Niantic gives you two choices:

1. Move to the city.

2. Hatch some fucking Poke-eggs. And prey to the Pokemon Gods it’s worth it. Because already I’ve had my fair share of basic bitch Pokemon from eggs too. And do you know where you have a possibility of finding eggs? At Poke-stops, which are more than likely in a city than in backwoods America. Thank you Niantic and Google Maps. I’m sure the dead body in the creek would have been a lovely addition to the points of global interest.

All things aside, I will say I love this game because it gets families outside. Children away from computers and starts a conversation with a generation sharing their childhood with the new. It’s great to not be hearing teens online asking if anyone likes them. For Nerds and Geeks to unite under a flag and say, “Yeah, I’m playing Pokemon. And it’s fun!” That kind of social work deserves an award or something. While a notion of the complaints are first world problems. It doesn’t mean I won’t stop complaining about them. But seriously, Niantic has a hill of issues to get smoothed. I’m glad we made it past the server issues. But since we don’t have Pokevision or Three Step. Figure your shit out and fix this Marco-Polo game. It’s not fun. It’s annoying. Of all the things to change here’s a short list:

1. Diversity of Pokemon.

2. Fix the Haves/Have-Not issues between city, and rural area players.

3. Fix the Marco-Polo function of actually finding Pokemon.

4. More communication from the actual developer would be decent.


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