Gears of War Ultimate Edition

In the great words of Dr. Farnsworth, ‘Good news everyone.’ After weeks of playing indie games, walking simulators, apps and ‘retro’ games I found myself wanting to play a new ‘old’ video game. Welcome to the familiar world of HD remakes. I’ve done this before with the Silent Hill HD release. Which in hind sight wasn’t as fun as I wanted it to be. However, I’m here with Gears of War Ultimate Edition and today I got to learn all about Chest High Walls (CHW) and reaffirmed how much I suck at shooting games.


In today’s video gaming world, in my opinion, sand box games have become over exposed. Whereas over a decade ago it was CHW shoot-em-up games. Today I was wanting to finally be on the same page as everyone else in my nerd posy. I never played Gears of War 2, or 3… Didn’t know the existence of Gears of War till Youtube started telling me about a fourth game. Apparently my friend Diddly really didn’t want me to go full retard into this video game without some prior ‘shoot-em-up’ skills. Some time later, Halo 3 on heroic was the training wheels game till I could finally go balls to the wall and blast worm monsters with a laser gun. Meanwhile I will say for being high as fuck playing the game intro. When you have a video game character yelling at you about a ‘Resonator.’ I couldn’t help but laugh about half way through the speech because; for nerdtastic fat-ass-mcgee who can’t get into the military, never been in the military, or dreams of ever wanting to be in the military. This is the cream of the corn moments we’ve all been looking for. Hint, hint… No one yells like Capt./Admiral Von Douchnozzle in the real world of the military; sadly it’s all become too corporate. This is when I realize Gears of War borrowed it’s mantra heavily from Heavy Metal Jacket. By the way, can anyone explain to me why everyone looks like their chin melded with the neck line in this game!? Everyone looks like a chia-pet melded with a toilet paper roll on top of a refrigerator body. Which by the way doesn’t look like anyone had pre-ordained P90X training before hand. They all remind me why protein powder farts shouldn’t be considered “gains.” Thus, we’ll explore what Gears of War didn’t “gain” from this HD remake.

As far as getting anything of a context in this game. i.e. why we don’t like the alien monsters. The only reason we have is the fact they’re violent, ugly, and yell off the wall obscenities. Meanwhile, our hero probably would fit in the same category because he happens to be violent, ugly and yells dumb shit all the time.
The immediate funny thing about this game is how much we don’t get a lot of the 5W’s filled in. Specifically I’ll look at ‘Where.’ If this game took place on Earth, I would feel invested because Earth happens to have my wife, dog and apartment. I figured by the intro we were on planet Earth. However, it wasn’t ever brought up and then one character mentioned what planet we were on and a brain cell died because immediately afterword a grenade exploded.

I can’t say for sure if the HD remake was the best of words to put on Gears of War. For the most part, everything is in shades of grey and brown. Trying to pretty it up doesn’t seem like the best of choice. I can’t say if there’s a breast implant significants of upgrades. However, I did have a horrible time trying to tell which character was evil and which one was Diddly while we co-op’d. Here’s why: both seemed to die as often and both looked like refrigerators with peew-peew guns.
Things which I didn’t expect from a CHW HD remake was the basics of character movements. Imagine, a character slides up to a wall. Then there’s some weird animation moment where arms, legs and body don’t really know what is gong on and the end result is to just jump over the CHW. After about five attempts at this gymnastics task I realized it’s way simpler to just walk around. Sure it took longer. But dealing with animation lag is intrusive especially when I expect something like that to be ironed out on a HD remake.


Remember when I mentioned I played Halo 3 on Heroic and thought I could get by after a couple of hours of getting my ass handed to on that game. Welcome to Gears of War, where they only happen to have the following difficulty settings: Mario Galaxy Easy, Halo Heroic, Holly Shit Balls, and finally Respond Every 5 Seconds. I didn’t know how full retard to go, so I decided to go for Halo Heroic (Medium difficulty). Easy never stimulates me and for Riddle Difficulty, if there is one, is always on HARD. Meanwhile, I never expect myself to ever get autistically good enough for expert difficulty. However, when there’s an option of Medium A and Medium B I personally start to wonder about my own judgment of self preservation. Again, I thought, ‘I’ve played Halo 3 on Heroic.’ And I’ve played Call of Duty with the nephews enough time to know my kill score is 1-50 online. Which basically means I find where the bad guys are and call it in to the team mates. Either way, my train of thought was misguided because I forgot Gears of War is the Grand-pappy of CHW shoot-em-up games. When it introduced CHW’s, it had to be bloody important. Because immediately out the gate from the intro and every chapter after I kept forgetting to cover. Thus my head kept getting Kurt Cobain’d. This leads me to wondering, why the hell is the Gears of War character even wearing a refrigerator for armor if his head keeps getting aimed at!? In all seriousness the character can take fewer hits than an asthmatic bong user. Enemy’s armor actually worked for what it was intended for. Like development team decided one day before pushing out the product to just turn the difficulty knob to extreme and call it a day.

I suppose the whole exercise to this is weather or not this whole Gears of War thing would become a lap dog video game I can always lean on, pet and appreciate. I said prior to CHW’s have been around for a decade. However, Gears of War didn’t make it that far in age before an HD remake. Nine years, more like it. I thought going into this game it would be cool to experience a classic HD shoot-em-up game. I came out of the experience wondering what happened to my dick, and why I feel like my balls were left in a vice. Chest High Walls suck and like all things which suck, you need a crutch to waddle with. What we all learned within nine years of video game adaptation is Chest High Walls are good for stealth, not cover and shoot. Needless to say, the fact I’ve covered, shot and then moved a couple feet to do the same thing doesn’t hold the epiphany of amazed talent. Unlike covering, stalking, stabbing and singing a lullaby till the blood stops gushing out of the enemy’s neck. Meanwhile, characterization needs a page one rewrite. Nothing says relatable like Tommy-Testosteronie in a footsy pajama suit cussing like a Sailor for motivation.


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