Assassin’s Creed

In the time laps of a story line Assassin’s Creed represents. I was inundated with readers wondering two things. One: Why haven’t I written about Assassin’s Creed yet? Two: Is this another mosh of video games in one read? If so, kill them all!
So I put the video games into the consoles once again to get right into the Olympic Poop Flinging competition I was hoping to win the gold in. However, put away those cares of wondering if I think the game and series is crap-tastic. Because Assassin’s Creed isn’t that bad. It’s not good, but it’s taking home the silver medal in my home.


As for why people online don’t necessarily like Assassin’s Creed is probably because it’s by Ubisoft. Same people who gave two shits about Laura Croft, and their French. Excuse me though, I must point out Assassin’s Creed was produced by a “multicultural team of various religious faiths and beliefs.” This was an odd opening screen to the video game because it leaves me to wonder who gave a fuck who produced it till the credits.

Assassin’s Creed takes place on a strange parallel universe of countries near the ass end of the Mediterranean Sea. Look in the back of your Bible folks, there’s a map for you. In this universe all the major cities are literally five minutes away from each other and follows the adventures of Altair. A member of a secret group of assassin’s who happen to  have American accents. However, this is a lie. The real story is about some douche nozzle in the future who’s kidnapped and forced to relive the genetic memories of his ancestors. Sounds like a Star Talk Radio nightmare, but this does help drive the story a little bit. It also means you never die. You just ‘desynchronize’ and respond back to the nearest save point the game really gave a damn about.

Today I’d like to point out Assassin’s Creed is the kind of game which doesn’t get bogged down with dying after falling from a ten foot fall. Which is great in comparison to other Ubisoft games, i.e. Tomb Raider, Prince of Persia, etc. More so a chapter out of Prince of Persia because of all the running, climbing, and roof top sprints. The most fun I could say is handled well for Assassin’s Creed is the misjudgment of a ledge and face planting after several stories of free fall. Especially when my cover is blown and Crusaders are right behind me. This is a slight panic moment of trying to just blend back into to society before hacking and slashing some poor guys throat. The ire comes from nearly walking by a Crusader and all of a sudden I’m marked for death. I didn’t even do anything. I practically sneezed and now I’m being named a witch. However, part of it could be my fault because of the extensive amount of knives on my back and a huge sign saying, “I’m an Assassin.” Meanwhile, explain to me how these two aspects don’t get on your nerves.

Horse riding mechanic can suck a dick! Apparently a hero and his majestic steed can’t just be galloping through the holly land. Apparently there’s a speed limit or some shit, I clearly missed that memo. Now the kicker is, if I gallup slowly the Crusaders still get their panties in a bunch and I’m back to sprinting till the next town. However, there’s this button I press and it changes the conversation for slowly riding the horse to nearly moving at all… All of this just to look good in front of the ‘man!?’ Forget that!
Trying to NOT KILL ANYONE! Seriously, after I learned to commit the throaty-stabby attack. It was really hard to not kill all the annoying people. First on my list is the lepers. They get in my way and then with some kind of retard mosh pit strength they’ll push me right into a group of Crusaders. Thus beginning another avoidance Tom & Jerry chase scene. Meanwhile the beggar women will be all up in my business and if I slap them around, apparently that too is frown upon.


Assassinations is a small fraction of the whole game. The developers didn’t really have a good grasp on WHAT it is their game was all about. Plotting an assassination, planning a route to the target, stealth-ing over hit man style. It’s fun and all. It just takes a really long fucking time to get there. Example: You have to travel from you home base at the top of a mountain every time. Then you make it to the city and bitch slap some lepers around. Then there’s some “To do’s…” to do. Finally when you get to kill someone of significance it all become wordy and honestly not what I planned on investing my time into. I mean, after stabbing a guy in the neck, you wouldn’t think there would be a moment to have a slow motion “here’s my secret” moment. Meanwhile, the running and stealth is all good an fun. The combat can suck a dick too. There’s absolutely no way to clearly explain the shenanigans afoot here. Except it’s like when enjoying a epically cheesy quesadilla and finding out there’s healthy veggies involved.

Overall Assassin’s Creed is fun. It’s in concept new and fun in a market of same-same. It kept me engaged till the very end where it went septic on itself. And it game me a reason why to not listen to people whom email me anymore.


One thought on “Assassin’s Creed

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